It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
