I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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