My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
