Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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