As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
