I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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