I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
