omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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