I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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