evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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