the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
