I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
