I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
