im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
