He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
