I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
