when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
