A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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