Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
