Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
