are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
