never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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