I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
