My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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