Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I need to calm my uterus...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
