Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
