Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
