I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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