a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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