well I can't set my house on fire every night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
