I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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