shes about as inviting as chlamydia
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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