I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
