So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
