Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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