I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
