And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
