Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
