I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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