just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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