Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
