i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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