All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
