I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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