it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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