Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
