Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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