Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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