You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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