you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
