Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.