btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom