god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...