my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
