his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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