Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
