Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dick very happy bro
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
