I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
